I can still recall the moment I discovered that my parents were “strict.” A college friend and I were walking to his car on the campus parking lot, and I was explaining how good I felt my relationship with Dad and Mom to be. I was now a young man, and I sensed a growing friendship with them as I matured.
“Dad and Mom really trust me,” I explained.
“Like what?” he probed. My friend was a thinker who never let a stray word flee unaccountable to logic.
I thought. “Well,” I stalled. “Uh. Well, they let me drive to town by myself over the Christmas break.” The moment the words escaped my lips I knew how silly they sounded for a college student to utter. My words bounced off his smirk and whacked me upside the head.
The truth is, my parents had no rules about cars and car usage. Of course, I didn’t have a car that needed to be ruled. But my statement made it sound as if my parents were very strict. Actually, they weren’t, although they were thoroughly restrictive. What is the difference?
I have come to the conclusion that strictness is more of an attitude than an action. As an attitude, strictness tends to be a limit to love; as an ethic, it is a limit to pain.
Sometimes a teen will protest, “But Dad, don’t you trust me?” That is the wrong question. No father worth the name trusts his own sinful inclinations or that of his child’s. A better question would be, “Dad, don’t you love me?” If the answer is “Yes,” then that young person needs enough guidance to do right and enough protection to avoid wrong.
Parents who live genuinely and love generously will rarely be resented as being strict. So, how generous are you and with what? How should we live at home?
1. Live genuinely. The old saying, “Do as I say, not as I do,” is destined to fail. We may impress others by appearing to be more than we actually are, but we impress our children by being exactly what we are. My dad is a preacher, but the sermon that made the biggest impression on me was the one he preached with his actions at home.
2. Love generously. This means I must give time to my children. This means I must listen to my children. And yes, sometimes this does mean giving restrictions to my children. A child will love what his parents love when he feels no competition for their affection. A kid who can’t find love at home will keep looking.
So, the question is not really, How strict should I be? but rather, How should I be strict? Growing up, I knew other kids who had twice the freedoms I had but were in homes more strict, which they resented.
When parents have more rules than love, they lose. When they have rules inspired by love, they win. Let’s love our children in such a way that we build freedom into their future by guiding them authentically today.