My stomach churned earlier this year when I watched videos of fatal altercations between children and police. All of us can agree that it shouldn’t have happened. But why did it happen?
Many in the media say that the police failed these children. We can debate later about whether we should be sending out health workers to these calls instead of police. We can discuss police reform later. But first, let’s address the elephant in the room—the common thread among most cases of children being arrested, ruffed up, or even killed by the police. And that common thread is the absence of parents or, more specifically, fathers. In both of the specific cases I’m thinking of right now, neither child had a present father in their life. I would say that long before the police “failed them,” their fathers did.
As of 2020, 1 in 4 American children are fatherless, meaning that they either do not have their biological dad or a father figure in the home. From 1990 to 2016, the rate of children born into fatherless homes went from 28% to 40%. One study has suggested that fatherlessness is a “key contributor to juvenile delinquency.” Another study has suggested that the more involved nonresident fathers were in their children’s lives, the less likely the children were to commit crimes or be incarcerated. Speaking of present fathers and positive male role models, the founder of a youth outreach organization called Hyped About Hype (Helping Young People Excel), said, “That’s where the justice lies, not in [the] program. Not in [the] institutions.” () These studies and testimonies show that fathers do make a difference.
The Bible gives us a vivid description of the difference fathers make. Ephesians 6:1-4 says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and thy mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;) That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” From this verse, we discover four things that fathers provide for their children in a way that only fathers can.
One thing that fathers provide in a unique way is training. The words “bring up” and “nurture” carry the idea of training. This word translated “nurture” in Ephesians 6:4 is translated instruction in II Timothy 3:16 which says, “All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness.” Just as the Bible trains us to face life, so fathers are to train their children for life.
According to Thayer’s Greek Lexicon, this word “nurture” in Ephesians 6:4 also “relates to the cultivation of mind and morals” or “instruction which aims at the increase of virtue.” In other words, fathers are to train their children in such a way that cultivates virtues in their lives. Cultivation requires care and tenderness. In contrast with provoking their children through anger or frustration, fathers are to offer clear, compassionate commands for life. In Proverbs 4:1-2, a father says, “Hear, ye children, the instruction of a father, and attend to know understanding. For I give you good doctrine, forsake ye not my law.” This father goes on to provide specific instructions for life, such as avoiding bad company, shunning lies and bad speech, and pursuing wisdom. All throughout, the father uses the phrase, “my son,” indicating a tender relationship between the father and son. He educates and instructs his son, not for purely academic reasons, but because he loves his child and desires to cultivate virtue in his child. Picture, for example, a gardener tending a flower garden. The gardener waters and prunes the plants gently because he wants them to blossom and grow. In the same way, a father should train his children with a tenderness and care that only a father could give. A father’s tender training doesn’t just teach the son information, but cultivates the son’s heart so that he grows up desiring to do right, just as his father taught him.
Next, we see that fathers provide discernment. The second word that we see in Ephesians 6:4 is admonition. According to Strong’s, this word has to do with “calling attention to (by implication) mild rebuke or warning.” In addition to offering tender instruction for the purpose of cultivating virtue in his children, a father must make distinctions for his children. He must warn them, “This, not that!” Again, this responsibility is exemplified in Proverbs. In Proverbs 5, a father warns his son about the wiles of the strange woman. In Proverbs 10:5, a father admonishes his son, “He that gathereth in summer is a wise son: but he that sleepeth in harvest is a son that causeth shame.” Not only is the father teaching the son what to do, but he is also offering contrast; he is warning his son about what not to do. God gave children fathers to call attention to the distinctions between right and wrong, between wise and foolish, between upright and crooked. This ability to make distinctions, which we might call discernment, does not come naturally to children. God gifted fathers to be one of the primary sources of this discernment for their children.
A third thing that fathers provide is discipline. The way that a father helps his children to develop discernment is through providing healthy boundaries for his children. When a child starts veering off the path, it is the father’s job to guide him back to that path. Proverbs 19:18 says, “Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.” This verse stresses the urgency of fatherhood. There is a window of time that fathers have to influence their children in this way. A father who truly loves his children will provide boundaries for his children and correct them when they violate those boundaries. This discipline does not always mean punishment; it also means restraint. It means bridling the passions that want to lead the child down the wrong path. Proverbs 25:28 warns, “He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.” If a father bridles those passions for his child when he is young, then that child we become a self-disciplined adult.
However, if a father refuses to control his children, it is often because the father has also refused to control himself. This is evident in God’s requirement for pastors to be “One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity; (For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?).” (I Timothy 3:4-5) Pastors who cannot rule their own children cannot be trusted to rule the church of God. And pastors who cannot rule their own children probably have a problem with controlling certain passions in their own lives. If fathers fail to control themselves, then someone else will eventually have to control them. If a father fails to control his children, then someone else will eventually have to control them for him. And whoever is doing the controlling at that point will be less loving than a father would be.
This brings us to the fourth thing that fathers provide—protection. Ephesians 6:3 promises that if children will fulfill their responsibility (obedience), they will experience protection in their lives. This promise is seen again and again in the Proverbs. Proverbs 4:10 says, “Hear, O my son, and receive my sayings; and the years of thy life shall be many.” Proverbs 6:23 calls a father’s instruction “the way of life.” In Proverbs 8, wisdom (given from a father with God’s Word) is personified as a woman saying, “For whoso findeth me findeth life, and shall obtain favour of the LORD. But he that sinneth against me wrongeth his own soul: And they that hate me love death.” Proverbs 10:27 says, “The fear of the LORD prolongeth days: but the years of the wicked shall be shortened.” In Proverbs 19:23, a father tells his son, “The fear of the LORD tendeth to life: and he that hath it shall abide satisfied; he shall not be visited with evil.” A few verses later, the father says, “Cease, my son, to hear the instruction that causeth to err from the words of knowledge. An ungodly witness scorneth judgment: and the mouth of the wicked devoureth iniquity. Judgments are prepared for scorners, and stripes for the back of fools.” (Proverbs 19:27-29) The father is warning his son about listening to the wrong crowd because he wants to protect his son from the consequences of wickedness. What each of these verses have in common is the principle that living righteously protects children from the dangerous situations that foolishness could bring upon them. Fathers can’t protect their children from everything, but they can protect them from the kind of foolishness that leads to an early grave. God gave children fathers to protect children in a way that only fathers can.
What difference does a father make? Well, from these passages we see that a father can make the difference between life and death for his child. A father is God’s proactive plan to prevent the tragedies that we have seen unfold in the news over the past several months. Through fathers, God provides the training, discernment, discipline, and protection that children need.
Ultimately, these are things that God Himself provides for all of us. Sometimes, He uses earthly fathers to provide these things and reveal Himself to us. So, this Father’s Day, whether you are a biological father or a father figure to someone in your life, realize that your presence makes a difference. It makes a huge difference! Embrace the privilege and responsibility that God has given you. This Father’s Day, if you have a present father, then let them know your appreciation. If you do not have a present father, realize that you are not a victim to statistics but you can be a victor through grace. Psalm 68:5 says, “A father to the fatherless, and a judge of the widows, is God in his holy habitation.” Remember, you have a more perfect and ever-present Father in God than you could ever have in a man. Whether you have an earthly father or not, commit to being that difference-maker to your own children or those in your sphere of influence. Men who are willing to live up to God’s definition of fatherhood make all the difference in the world.