II Corinthians 7:9 Now I rejoice, not that ye were made sorry, but that ye sorrowed to repentance: for ye were made sorry after a godly manner, that ye might receive damage by us in nothing
Perhaps you have heard the maxim that goes something like “People may forget the way you make them think, but they will never forget the way you make them feel.” Feelings are important. Even children know the way you make them feel regardless of what they may think or do. They can remember your smile and attitude. But, how do you fundamentally change people for the good? Well, it has got to be by the grace of God, but is that accomplished primarily by the way they feel or by the way they think? Is your goal to change the way people feel or to change the way people think?
The Apostle Paul had some real nerve-wracking situations in his life. One of them was the adverse reactions of God’s people whom Paul had had to rebuke because of their sin. So, how is a person to make a positive change in their world? It is not primarily through condemnation. Paul says, “I speak not this to condemn you: for I have said before, that ye are in our hearts to die and live with you.” Paul was saying to these people whom he had rebuked for their sin, “Look, I’m not telling these things to you to condemn you.” He was not even primarily rebuking them to make them feel a certain way. He said, “For though I made you sorry with a letter, and I do not repent, though I did repent: for I perceive that the same epistle hath made you sorry, though it were but for a season.” So, they did feel sorrow. Sorry means a feeling. What Paul had said to rebuke their sin had made them sorrowful, but that wasn’t his primary motive.
His primary motive is found in verse 9. He says, “Now I rejoice not that ye were made sorry, but that ye sorrowed to repentance: for ye were made sorry after a godly manner, that ye might receive damage by us in nothing.” He is saying, “I did not tell you this to make you sorrowful, to make myself feel good, or to damage you. I told you the truth in order that you would change your mind.” Did this work? Yes, it says, “For godly sorrow worketh repentance.” It works a change of mind. That sorrow worked good things. Verse 13 says, “Therefore we were comforted in your comfort: yea, and exceedingly the more joyed for the joy of Titus.”
The bottom line is that we all affect other people and our feelings can be contagious, but truth needs to be the engine and feelings the caboose. In II Corinthians 1:24 Paul says that he was a helper of their joy. How can we help someone’s joy? We help people not by changing their feelings, but by changing their thinking. Both start with the truth. What I believe and choose is more important than how I feel because how I feel ultimately is going to be a function of the things I choose and believe, the truth I accept.
How can this be true in our lives? Let’s think about church. Hopefully, church often makes me feel good, but it is far more important for church to help me do and choose right and let the feelings follow after that. I can feel great but be wrong, and if that is the case, that feeling is going to be short-lived. I am not going to be living in a way that is pleasing to God. We talk about seeker-sensitive church, having a church where people just feel good. I hope people feel good, but the truth is what sets free, not my feelings. I can feel good because I respond positively to the truth, but if I feel good and reject the truth, that is not helpful and will ultimately not make me feel better.
So, in church we help people by affecting their thinking, not primarily by affecting their feelings. Now, they go hand in hand. Sometimes we are open to the truth because of our feelings. Perhaps someone uses humor which brings down our defenses and opens our hearts, then they insert the truth. That’s fine, but the truth is the engine and the feeling is the caboose.
What about in your own personal life? Oftentimes people are prisoners of people pleasing. Other times people just want to give other people “what for.” Both are missing the point. What helps people is not for us to have dominion over them. Paul said he was to be a helper of their joy, not have dominion over their faith.
So, the point is not to be the winner in a conversation or to merely please people. The point of a conversation is to see what the truth is. What has God said? Maybe at work we are tempted to lie or are even told we are to lie for some reason. That is wrong no matter how it makes us or our employers feel. It is the truth in love that we need. My demeanor should reflect that truth. I am to give the truth in love and that truth is love.