“Boys who hurt, hurt us.” So says Dr. Warren Farrell, the author of a book called The Boy Crisis. He contends that while society has been telling girls that they can be and do whatever they want, society has been telling boys that they are toxic. As a result, boys have become toxic. The most recent mass shootings seem to bear out Dr. Farrell’s theory.
The two most recent mass shootings bear sad and striking similarities. They are similar, not just to each other, but to the many others before them in a few ways. First, both the Buffalo supermarket shooter and the Uvalde school shooter were young men (18) with disturbing mental health histories. In addition, both young men had spoken of their violent intentions via social media before and/or during the attacks. Third, both young men had either dropped out of or discontinued their education and had recently quit their jobs. Yet another striking similarity is that both came from disengaged families who were unaware of their sons’ mental states, intentions, and activities. The Buffalo shooter described himself as “isolated from family” and said that he had lied to his parents about attending community college. He allegedly said, “My parents know little about me.” In the Uvalde shooter’s case, his father was out of the picture, his mother was struggling with drug addiction, and he was living with his grandmother—the first victim of his violent rampage. The Uvalde shooter’s dad, who has a criminal record including a conviction for assaulting a family member, admitted that he “had no idea what was brewing inside his son.” The two had not been on speaking terms. The dad even told reporters, “My mom tells me he probably would’ve shot me too, because he would always say I didn’t love him.” Like the many mass shootings before, these two shootings were carried out by mentally disturbed, isolated, (effectively) fatherless, and truly toxic young men.
These similarities tell us that the problem goes much deeper than just the obvious gun law violations they committed on the way to carry out their violent acts. If we care about putting an end to this rise in mass shootings, then we should care enough to dig beyond the superficial “solutions” and address the root of the issue. While gun ownership in America has not risen along with the number of mass shootings, something else has. What has risen significantly along with the number of mass shootings in America is the dissolution of the nuclear family in America.
The nuclear family is another way of describing the biblical family. In His Word, God has defined a family as one man and one woman, married for life, living together with their children (Genesis 2:25, Matthew 19:3-6, Psalm 127:3). In America, the nuclear family has been under attack from all sides—entertainment, social pressure, institutions of education. Third wave feminism has played a role. The third wave of feminism brought the idea that motherhood—bearing and rearing children—was a burden of female biology rather than a blessing. The idea was that women’s child-bearing capabilities was a huge factor in keeping them “behind men” in society. Therefore, a woman who would choose to prioritize child-rearing over a career would be sabotaging her own potential and equality in society. Essentially, third wave feminism said that to be equal with men, women had to become men.
Simultaneously and ironically, this third wave feminism told us that men were generally oppressive and unworthy of any respect. Therefore, men must be “feminized” to make them less oppressive. This denial and disdain of the biological and natural inclinations of men and women slowly began to dissolve the most basic relationship between men and women—marriage.
From 1960 to 1990, the rate of divorce nearly doubled in America. As of 2014, the Pew Research Center found that “Fewer than half (46%) of U.S. kids younger than 18 years of age are living in a home with two heterosexual parents in their first marriage.” The study also found that about a third of America’s children are living with one unmarried parent or guardian. Of those children, 5% are not living with a parent at all.
In tandem with the rise of divorce is the rise of fatherlessness. According to Pew Research, the percentage of fathers living apart from their children has risen from 11% in 1960 to 27% in 2011, with “more than one-in-four fathers with children 18 or younger now [living] apart from their children.” Fatherlessness has been shown to be strongly related to a host of social maladies—especially for boys. For example, 85% of juveniles in prison, 80% of rapists, 71% of high school dropouts, and 63% of youth suicides come from fatherless homes. So, we should not be surprised that one study has found 85% of the most famous school shooters came from fatherless or, at least, dysfunctional homes. While the Buffalo shooter’s home may have looked “normal,” he did not describe his parents as aware of or involved in his life. The trend is clear: absentee fathers make for hurt boys. And hurt boys hurt society.
We can explain this phenomenon scientifically. According to Dr. Warren Farrell, in The Boy Crisis, “When boys testosterone is not well-channeled by an involved dad, boys become among the world’s most destructive forces. When boys’ testosterone is well-channeled by an involved dad, boys become among the world’s most constructive forces.” The secret ingredient in this process of channeling male instincts is an involved dad. While mothers are vital to a boy’s development, mothers cannot provide everything a boy needs. Most obviously (at least, it should be obvious), mothers cannot model positive masculinity say. Only a dad can say, “Look at me, son! This is what it means to be a man.”
We can also explain this problem biblically. God created boys with the responsibility and need to lead, to fight for and protect something and someone that they love, to take calculated risks for the good of others, and conquer challenges. While every human being created in God’s image needs purpose, boys find their purpose in leading, fighting, protecting, and conquering. There is a reason that the Bible uses the phrase “quit ye like men” in I Samuel 4:9 I Corinthians 16:13. The idea is basically, “Pull yourself together, man! Run into the fray and do what needs to be done.” While women certainly need to be courageous as well (Queen Esther, anyone?), we often associate courage with men because they are designed to be bold protectors. So, what happens when boys are not given anything to fight for, protect, or conquer? What happens when the primary role models of biblical masculinity—dads—are taken out of the home? What happens when society tells them that a dad is interchangeable with two moms or three “dads” or no dad at all? When inclinations that God placed in men are suppressed, they become perverted. Rather than being protectors, neglected boys become destroyers. Instead of being leaders, hurt boys become abusers. If they are not given a good fight to fight, ignored boys will fight simply for the sake of fighting. If they are not given a challenge to conquer, unrestrained boys will be conquered by their own lack of self-discipline.
This is not to excuse the evil of the two most recent shooters! They bear full responsibility for their atrocious crimes. Neither are we implying that every fatherless and failed boy will turn out to be a mass murderer. Of course, that is not true! However, the statistics do indicate that violent young men were failed by their fathers long before they made such fateful choices. The very creation testifies to the fact that un-channeled masculinity is a dreadful force.
All of this brings us to an important conclusion: the nuclear family is the foundation of any healthy society. When the nuclear family—a married man and woman living together with their children—began to dissolve, so did our society. When our culture belittled motherhood so that women felt pressure to prioritize careers over childrearing, the importance of the family was undermined. When our culture said that two moms were just as good as a mom and a dad, fatherhood became a dispensable commodity. For years, our culture has pretended that the nuclear (biblical) family does not matter, but we cannot get away with it. Our boys are paying dearly for it, and so are we all.
So, if you are a parent of boys, take your responsibility seriously. The Proverbs is an illustration of the relationship between an involved dad and a cultivated son. The father in the Proverbs is constantly asking for his son’s ears, eyes, and most importantly—his heart. In Ephesians 6:4, God commands, “And ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” On the negative side, fathers are not to provoke their children to wrath. A neglected, ignored, or abused child is one that will be provoked to wrath. On the positive side, fathers are called to bring them up. This indicates an intimate and involved relationship throughout the child’s life. Specifically, bringing up boys would include cultivating their male inclinations. It would mean channeling the instincts in our boys so that they can blossom into loving leaders, bold protectors, and courageous conquerors. While perverted masculinity is deadly, cultivated masculinity is indispensable force for good.
This responsibility we have to our boys requires all hands on deck! We need wives, mothers, and women to support and encourage the men in their lives to be initiators, protectors, and conquerors. We need husbands, dads, and men to do what only they can do—model positive masculinity. Men, we need you! If you are a husband, we need you to confidently step into your role as the spiritual leader, loving provider, and bold protector of your family. If you are a dad, we need you to tenaciously model biblical manhood for your children, and especially your sons. Teach them self-discipline, meekness, and mental and physical fortitude. If you are a teacher, coach, pastor, or spiritual leader of young men, we need you to initiate mentorship and accountability with those under your influence.
Enough is enough. More gun laws can only do so much to protect our young men from destroying themselves and innocent people from getting hurt. More gun laws is not the preventive measure that we need most fundamentally! The first and primary line of defense is the family as God designed it. As the psalmist said, “If the foundations be destroyed, what can the righteous do?” (Psalm 11:3). The foundation of society is the family. And it is beyond time that the righteous in America took seriously the task of rebuilding that foundation.